The six best ‘sexy time’ cars for sale in the USA

Before you yell, “get a minivan!” I have to explain the basis of this list. Not only must the chosen vehicle be comfortable for backseat-Gymkhana, it must solicit emotions that make juices flow. A good car for sexy time MUST be sexy. No minivans, wagons, hatchbacks or convertible (because, if the top opens – I don’t want to see you amid coitus – nor does the rest of the United States).

Here are the parameters for a proper sexy time machine:

Sound - Sexy time cars must sound good. No, not a fly-farting sound with over-sized exhaust on a lowered four-banger. I refer to a subtle vibration that is followed by a thrum that is impossible to duplicate with baffles and cans. It must be a sound that accentuates the vehicle and stimulates your innards.

Looks - Sexy time cars must look sexy. Save your arguments with this one, you know what vehicles attract the eye and heart. Most muscle cars can do this, but there are a batch of luxury cars that make onlookers blush. It MUST be a vehicle that appeals to both sexes too.

Feel –  Sexy time cars must drive like a dream. Looking and sounding good is fine, but if the vehicle is a boring ride, coitus may be a distant dream. Seriously, if you are lulled into a mental coma – how do you expect to have sexy time? The vehicle must make you feel good when driven, it’s just that simple.

It stinks when our ideas are ripped off. I wanted to glue wings on a KIA Soul and fly it and now every man thinks it’s a cool idea. Thievish goons.

Smell - Sexy time cars must never smell funny. Laugh if you want, but this is a serious problem for many Americans. Very few of us can smell what we smell like. Cats, smoking, fast food, foot odor, cats… it’s all nasty. Even new car smell may not cover your odor. Make sure your ride doesn’t stink.  Here’s a tip: remove all the smelly stuff from your vehicle and place a good smelling dryer sheet under all of your seats overnight. Some of your smells will be absorbed by the sheets.

 Speed - Sexy time cars must never be slow. I know, I know, some vehicles are inherently slow. What matters is how the vehicle cuts its way through traffic – which is all up to the driver. Hell, a Prius can be pretty quick in traffic, you simply need to have the right driving attitude. – - – - No, scratch that. Forget that I mentioned a Prius. Just make sure your ride has guts.

Price - Sexy time cars must never be cheap. Look people, a Nissan Versa sedan has a comfy back seat – but it’s not about to strike the horney cord with anyone. Sorry, you’ll need something more substantial. The only cheap vehicles out there that might entice a prospective lover would be something like a FIAT 500 – which is WAY too small in the back for average humans. No, you need something that has leather, wood, chrome, carbon fiber… something – anything – that makes your ride feel premium.

Here are the six best cars for sexy time for sale in the USA (in no particular order):

1. Ford F150 Raptor: Listen up cowpokes, this-hear truck is BAD ASS. If you don’t get a thrill out of its angry engine note, off road ability, muscular stance and funky interior – seek help. There is not a single kind bone in this truck; it’s mean, nasty, anti-green and is a huge middle finger pointed at conservatism. Cowboy-up ya’all!

Bulldog not included. I mean, you could… but that’s kind-a sick.

2. MINI Clubman/Clubvan : I needed to placer a vehicle on this list that appealed to eco-minded folk while check off all of the proper boxes. I know the backseat is tiny, but – when folded – there is decent space. Trust me, if my fat ass can fit back there, so can yours! Besides, this is a stupidly fun car. imagine the privacy you could get out of the “Clubvan” version. If you passenger dislikes riding in this baby, trade up for a better model. I refer to your lover – not the car.

Shag-uar

3. Jaguar XJL: Oh-my-god, oh-my-god, oh-my-god! I have been chomping at t he bit to mention the sexiness of the Jaguar XJL. In many ways, the Jag is the ultimate sexy time car. The sounds… the looks… the BACKSEAT!!! This is a vehicle that rewards everybody who travels within. It has all of the joy of muscle under the hood while it floats down the highway. Still, there’s just enough engine note to make you quiver. Did I mention the amazing backseats!? Wood, leather – the feel is intoxicating folks.

4. Audi A5/S5: This is (arguably) the sexiest car under $100,000 and, after driving many versions of the A5/S5 – I think it’s one of the best vehicles out there – period. It looks like rolling sex and it’s a blast to drive. Sure, the back seats are small, but I know full-sized adults can fit back there, when the front seats are moved forward – all the way.

5. Dodge Challenger SRT8 392: Hold on folks – this is all about attitude, not just performance. I damn-well know that the Mustang GT 500 and Chevrolet Camaro ZL1 would trounce the Challenger on a track. The thing is: the Dodge Challenger SRT8 392 is a lot like a Harley Davidson, it’s not necessarily the fastest, but it is fun as hell to drive in, look at and snuggle in. That back seat is the biggest among muscle cars AND it’s fairly commodious. Seriously, this is an amazing car to get frisky in. Go ahead, slam on that long pedal – it’s better than Viagra!

2014 Maserati Quattroporte – still sexy, but that type of sexy you see in that friend from high school who was hot back then. You know what I mean? That old ‘friend’ who’s still attractive despite – err – expanding a little bit.  Know what I mean?

6. Maserati Quattroporte: Full disclosure, the only Maserati Quattroporte I drove was a 2009 model and I never used the backseat for anything other than jacket storage. Still, just like the rest of you automotive geeks, I read that report that implies the Maserati Quattroporte’s engine note makes people hot. Dude, it’s an Italian V8! How is it NOT going to make people hot. Besides, the sheer presence of the Maserati Quattroporte is enough to prime the doors of love.

So – what’s your choice for sexy time cars?

Speaking of sexy cars, check out this video of sexy snowy Jaguars!

p.s. I know I borrowed “Sexy time” from Borat – please forgive me.

Easily amused by anything with four wheels, Nathan Adlen reviews vehicles from the cheapest to the most prestigious. Wrecking yards, dealer lots, garages, racetracks, professional automotive testing and automotive journalism – Nathan has experienced a wide range of the automotive spectrum. His words, good humor and video are enjoyed worldwide.