With the Summer Olympics just around the corner, I have spent a long painstaking year investigating all the best possible cars for athletes. I have taken hundreds of cars from all the big manufactures and subjected them to a scientific battery of tests specifically designed for your needs.
For instance I tested the cars ability to:
– Repel sweaty running short odor,
– Swallow your bike, all your gear and still have room for a wet Golden Retriever,
– Coddle your red hot monkey butt after a 50 mile bike ride,
– Hold 10 cases of beer and 10 cases of Gatorade,
– Still make you look cool after you’ve just finished second to last and just barely ahead of the oldest athlete in the race,
– Compliment the shape and color of your "I'd rather be Running" sticker,
– Compliment the shape and color of your favorite bike,
– Compliment the shape and color of your sweats.
So without further obfuscation here are my 5 Top Cars for athletes:
5) Any late model Subaru wagon
This all wheel drive car is perfect for the young up and coming budget minded athlete. It has everything you need including plenty of room, Japanese reliability, a big roof to hold your bike and huge sunroof for all those last minute “on the way to the race” bike adjustments.
Reader Warning: Do not attempt to adjust your bike through the sunroof while driving to an early morning race, instead have your hung over buddy do it by strategically placing a beer can in the bike's bottle holder.
4) The Scion xB
This inexpensive little car is not only immensely practical, fuel efficient and giant on the inside, but also extremely and painfully ugly. The styling seems to suggest the offspring of a 1950’s bread van that had a one night stand with a very ugly and horny Jeep.
This is the perfect athlete's car as you certainly won’t be noticed when you sulk away from your next PW (Personal Worst) or DNF race. You may be the only person in the 20-25 age group beat by the 80-plus retired homemaker, but they’ll soon forget all about you when you step into your car.
Just image the conversation now. “Did you see that dude get crushed by that old….man is that an ugly car…now what was I saying?”
3) Honda Element
This car has all the same advantages of the Scion xB plus it is twice as big so it will hold twice as much stuff. With the Scion you have to waste precious time putting your bike on top of the car. The Honda Element will eagerly swallow all your stuff plus, all the stuff of the 80-plus-year-old homemaker, plus the 80-plus-year-old homemaker for a really fast get away from your next PW.
The Element also has two other advantages. The seating material is made from a sort of rubbery neoprene. This material is perfect for a) not getting stinky no matter how many wet-running shorts, or Golden Retrievers rub themselves on the seat and b) creating an almost perfect Velcro like grip to your sweats safe and secure on the ride to the gym..
The other advantage of the Element is a massive sunroof above the fold flat rear seats of the car. This comes is handy when you meet that special athlete of your dreams and you are trying to woo him of her to you place….or car.
“Honey come back to my place (I mean car) car and I’ll promise I’ll show you the stars,” can be your pick-up line. You may also add (if you have your bike on your roof) “I’ll show you my spectacular bottom bracket and crank.”
Or, if you happen to be a runner, the huge roof, combined with the car's springy seats makes for a great place to jog in place, if you can't find an open gym or working treadmill.
2) The Amphicar
This 1960’s car may not be the easiest vehicle to find, but for obvious reasons it may be almost the perfect athletes car…especially if you are a swimmer. Just image your swim workout as a proud Amphicar owner.
Instead of driving to the health club, and searching for parking, and swimming in a over crowded pool or recreation center you just hop in your Amphicar and drive to the nearest lake. Once at the lake just slip into your swimsuit and locate the nearest boat dock.
Now slam down the accelerator and hit the water at high speed with you favorite band blaring on the radio. Once you are halfway across the lake, stop the car and now the world is your own private open and massive pool. What could be more perfect? How about you bring along three of your swim buddies and show off a bit by swimming laps around the car.
1) The Yugo
This former Soviet era Yugoslavian car is arguably the worst and least reliable car ever sold in the United States. In other words, this is the perfect Athlete's car as it will almost always leave you stranded.
This means that you will have no other choice but to bike or run home for help. Going out to a big dinner will inevitably turn into an impromptu 30-mile bike ride home. A trip to the grocery store will mean a challenging 10-mile run to the nearest gas station or 5-mile push home. A trip to the local cleaner will mean you'll get to push the car home for that almost perfect core strength workout.
Plus nothing s say's "I'm a fit athlete," more than pushing your Yugo down the side of the road with your huge and sweaty muscles glistening in the mid-day sun.
You’ll be the fittest and fastest athlete in your neighborhood in no time. And when they ask you how you did it just smile, wink, and say that magic word…Yugo.
