I staggered out of the hospital's emergency room to the arctic white Mercedes-Benz E350 coupe at about 4:40 a.m. after being poked and ultra sounded for about 3 hours.
The diagnoses: I was having a gallbladder attack due to a gallbladder stone stuck in my bile duct.
Until about two hours ago I didn't even know I had a bile duct, but now this little internal appendage is causing me so much pain I'm seriously considering sticking a sharp knife into my left side to balance out the pain in my right side.
Oddly enough after my ER visit, I'm standing in front of the gleaming white Merc parked just in front of the hospital's helicopter pad and just under the florescent street light doubled over in toxic pain thinking to myself, "Now that's a gorgeous car," and "Do you suppose people think I'm a successful ER doc just finishing my rounds?"
The new 2010 Mercedes-Benz E350 coupe has that effect, or perhaps the better word is "presence". Even in the face of overwhelming abdominal pain I still took time to admire the car.
Don't get me wrong, not a lot of time. I was at home in a few short minutes later and well medicated on the uber strength prescription pain killers they gave me in the ER. Unfortunately to get home I had to fold myself behind the wheel of the sporty Mercedes and drive it down a road that was well beyond torn up from recent road construction.
The car jumped and hopped over the fresh cracks, repairs, and bumps like a goat on hot coals. With every new bump that upset the car's 18 inch AMG 6-spoke wheels I cursed the day that Mercedes invented the first real passenger car.
Fast forward about 72-hours and I'm once again driving the cool arctic white Mercedes, except this time I'm about 20 ounces lighter after recently having my gallbladder removed through four arthroscopic incision in my belly.
My mind is clear but my belly pain is still strong enough to warrant a hardcore ibuprofen addiction. At least now the pain is tolerable, unlike a few nights ago, I can now see the dark at the beginning of the tunnel.
For something like the 1000th time I attempt to signal a left turn with the car's cruise control stalk. It seems that the engineers who designed the Mercedes cruise control stalk specified that it should be placed it the exact same location that most every other car made on the planet has it turn signal stalk.
What's even more befuddling is the car's COMAND and control interface. It is truly a bewildering combination of BMW's iDrive and a 1972 first generation Atari game joystick. I like to think of myself as pretty computer savvy having grown up using computers and playing way too many video games in my squandered youth….but not when it comes to this car.
The 2010 Mercedes E350 in the only car that has utterly and completely defeated me at setting up my Bluetooth phone connection…and that includes the newest Kia Forte which yells commands at you like a second language learner dominatrix with a limited vocabulary.
Now you may be thinking to yourself that I was most likely medicated beyond the point of rationale and cognitive thought…which would be true except not when I was vainly attempting to get my phone to talk to the Mercedes.
Oh when oh when will some clever car maker partner with Apple and do the entire car/human technology command and control inter-phase in a seamless and straightforward manner? Why is it that every car company always prefers to reinvent the wheel when it comes to the software that runs the car's radio/HVAC/Navigation system/ and so on and so on?
Would it really be that bad to get the experts who know how to write the code to make it painless to tune from AM to FM radio?
But I suppose in a car like the Mercedes E350 that has 12 different adjustments for the drivers seat, and an iPod connection squirreled away in the glove box, anything simple would seem cheap.
Which, by the way, is a word that I would never use to describe the car. So while the E350 maybe in the dinosaur age when it comes to the sticky user electronics, it is certainly first class when it comes to build quality and use of fine materials.
My tester would have gone out the dealership door, if it had been sold and not put in the press fleet, at a not unsubstantial $59,225.00. Believe me it is worth every single penny.
There are a lot of well worn cliches about the exceptional quality, fit, and finish of a Mercedes-Benz, and they are all true in the latest E-class.
The car just exudes quality and decades of refinement like a fine Swiss watch or a custom tailored suit.
But while the car's tailored sheet-metal may be all new, the 268 HP 3.5 Liter 24-valve Aluminum V-6 is a carryover from the last generation and it is starting to show its age a bit.
Or perhaps the problem lies not with the engine bit with the 7-speed automatic adaptive transmission. So while I love to speed down the Autobahn at take off velocity as much as the next guy, I'll never have a chance to do it in America in this car…at least not legally.
The E350 is not only Autobahn bred, but it is ultimately Autobahn tuned.
For instance the engine's sweet spot (read power) comes pretty late into the rev curve. Perfect for when you are cruising at 100 mph on the Autobahn and you need a bit of passing power to get to 130 mph.
But on our much slower roads the car seems to take too long to figure out what gear you want when you floor it at 30 mph. Not much happens at first as the complicated transmission works out the best gear/engine ratio for the situation at hand.
Of course once the party starts its all good as the car picks up speed like a Japaneses bullet train.
I could see myself with a huge smile as I blast past the guy in the 3 series BMW on the Autobahn and show him who's boss. I'm just not sure that sort of power is best suited for our congestion clogged and highly neutered big city highways.
I spent a painful week with the Mercedes E350, and that was in no way the car's fault.
I must confess that my review may be somewhat tainted from the lack of sleep and from an excess of pain medication. So please take these words with a grain of salt.
However, standing in the chilly night air after my emergency room visit (but before my surgery) staring at the car's sexy and dominant profile in the hospital's parking lot I couldn't think of a better car to drive home.
2010 Mercedes-Benz E350 Coupe
Price as Tested: $59,225.00
Engine, Transmission: 3.5 Liter 24-valve Aluminum V-6 with 7 Speed Driver-Adaptive Auto Transmission
Horsepower: 268
G-Tac Test as tested Data at 5420 feet above sea level
1/4 Mile: 17.09 second at 101 mph
0-60 mph: 8.92 sec
60-0 stopping: 107 feet
Max Acceleration: 0.59 g's
EPA Fuel Economy Estimates
City: 17 mpg
Highway: 26 mpg
Combined: 20.0 mpg
As tested: 21.9 mpg
CO2 per year: 11,179 lbs
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Roman Mica is a columnist, journalist, and author, who spent his early
years driving fast on the German autobahn. When he's not reviewing cars
for the active set, you can find him training for triathlons and
writing about endurance sports for, EverymanTri.com.
