How to Drive in the Buff and Not Get Busted

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Ahhhh, there you are in your private domicile enjoying the art of lounging in the buff. The freedom, the splendor, the tingly sensation is hard to hide. Imagine if, as you squirm in your skin-suit, something happens that requires you to grab your keys and leap in the car.

This may seem completely implausible – but it happens. In November of 1991, many moons back (take that any way you want) your humble scribe had to drive from Santa Monica, California to Oxnard, California. I spent over an hour in the buff behind the wheel.

I still have nightmares – as do a few commuters.
   
The point is: it COULD happen. Ever since that event, I have paid attention to other tales of the nudie-community from scribes worldwide. Between the careful after thinking that goes into such an article and advice from journalists – I have a few pointers.

Oh and this all depends on your sobriety and ability to make rational decisions — like keeping your windows UP! The reflection can keep many prying eyes at bay.

Here are TFLCar.com’s top five tips (in no particular order) for driving in the nude while not getting arrested – hopefully: 

 IF you have seat covers, reach over to the passenger’s seat cover and remove it from the seatback.
1. Usually, there are some straps with hooks that hold the seatback seat cover in place.
2. Once removed, use your cigarette lighter (if you have one) and carefully burn two holes about nine-inches apart.
3. Once you have two holes, open them enough to hold each of your legs. Now you have a pair of sheepskin/nylon/p-leather/leather shorts.*

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 If you’re a lady – or simply embarrassed about your chest-region, there is a simple way to hide in plain sight:
1. Swing by a fast food place that gives you a four container drink holder made of cardboard (like Mickey-Dee’s).
2. Pull up to the speaker-box and D-E-M-A-N-D three or four of those drink holders, a few bags AND a bunch of napkins.
3. The drink holders can squish and cover “Dirty Pillows” and man-boobs. Use the bags and napkins for crotch cover.
4. Please note: this scheme works best (and is almost believable) during Halloween.

 If you are driving a vehicle with a spare tire in the trunk, chances are good that the cover over the spare tire is made of a type of cardboard. You might be able to shape it to cover your lower half. If you have an extendable cargo cover, you can tear it apart and fashion a nylon-plastic diaper.

 FLOOR MATS! Yes, to some floor mats are dangerous usurpers of the carpet, but to the naked in desperation, it could be a solution. I do not recommend using the underside of a floor mat as the portion that touches your body. It may be cleaner, but the barbs, hooks and spikes meant to grip your car’s carpet may grip and bite something precious to you. Front seat floor mats are most effective in covering your lower half and there may be enough room for you to tuck the corners of the floor mat under your back side.
 
 Go to a large “super” store that deals in furniture, appliances and/or tools.
1. Pull into the back loading dock of the store – IF – the coast is clear.
2. You might find enough cardboard, plastic and Styrofoam to fashion some covering with.
3. Be mindful of cameras.

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Here’s the thing, they will not work for you if you have to stand up. So, try to avoid being in that situation. Also, if you lost your clothes and are looking at a place to lie low – avoid all: schools, parks, offices and restaurants where Jon-Laws may be near. It’s best to remain on the move and away from city centers too.

IF you get pulled over, you might be able to convince the law that you were recently mugged of all of your belongings, except for your key. Now, if you’ve been drinking or abusing any substances to impair your judgment, ol’ Smoky Bear will figure it out and your dumb-ass is going to the hoosegow.

On the other hand, if you are sober and a victim of circumstance – these suggestions coupled with your utterly embarrassed demeanor may get you off the hook. It’s happened before, but don’t count on it. The best thing to do after making some sort of effort to cover yourself is to drive casually and cautiously.

I’ve used more than one of these in my past (long story) and I remained jail-free.

If you have other suggestions, drop us a line!

*If you set yourself on fire while burning a hole in seat-cover materials – it’s your own damn fault.

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